In this reality we consume and envelop ourselves in simultaneously, when do we take the time to consider how much of it is manufactured and unnecessary? if only the world Would crumble and fall...
Decisions daily make the world continue to work this way, dependent on economies and pseudo-slavery, inhibiting creativity, free thinking, and freedom in general.
Beauty is possible everywhere even without all that warps reality and reconstructs it to an idealized supernatural perfection.
So caught up in it because to escape the expectations, to escape the debt owed by each individual to the society that raised them, is often overwhelming, or overwhelmingly selfish, or both.
Consider the intensity of a life lived in a manner of complete minimalism and simplicity. The necessities of survival are still achieved, and luxuries which distract the mind from the pursuit of health, balance, and thought beyond satisfying our capricious desires are eliminated. Nature is appreciated and respected on such a greater scale that those things which offend her are no longer even on the human agenda.
The world is spiraling down into a black mass of emptiness, and it seems as though hopeless as many sit here and watch it happen, nay, we participate in its demise as well.
Greed, lust, hunger for fame and power will drive humanity to destruction, to its own extinction.


***
I was told a few weeks ago that my view of humanity is very dark. It likely is, to most. To myself, I am just stating my observations. I am explaining why the rise of industry as we consider it today and western civilization also, make me want to leave. Or blow shit up. Or both.
You can't tell me everyone isn't thinking about it also. I swear there must be more.

chemically based hard drugs
as in, amphetamines
take your kids away from the tv and give them vegetables instead of mcdonalds. they won't need adderal. Or ritalin.

refining techniques for naturally based hard drugs
as in the processing involved resulting in heroin


GMO's/ genetically modified foods

growth hormones - like the ones they feed cows


actually, tv's. I fucking hate tv programs.
movies are ok but i could do without.
there's always the theater.

every goddamn little trinket that is unnecessary and has no use other than collecting dust AND is not a piece of art.
And probably caused more pollution during its construction that it is worth.

robots.
they freak me out.

There is something inherently wrong with this question.
to me, anyway.

i've come to the realization that in the same way that love isn't about sex and life isn't about making money, growing up is definitely not about "behaving" or "acting your age"
more to the point of being mature in the manner in which you deal with your responsibilities and how you respond to situations that present stress and difficulty, not what you do in your free time, etc.
Once a person has come to the realization that paying the bills on time, showing up to work when scheduled, completing homework, and keeping one's home clean are likely the biggest indicators of an organized, healthy lifestyle and they do their best to maintain these, i think they have reached a certain level of maturity.



i had more to say but i think this sums it up:

"Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."- Ann Landers

it does not encompass anything else.


Now, wisdom is something entirely different...

i would suggest that you grab a bat and your radio and go do some damage.

Then i would say walk to the closest used record store or whatever and check something out you've never heard of before.
for the hell of it.

Then i would pick out some of these
Atmosphere
------------ Overcast!, Seven's Travels, You can't imagine how much fun we're having, God loves ugly, Lucy Ford
Hed PE
------------ I need to listen to more from this band. good shit.
Rehab
------------ Hey Fred
Marilyn Manson
-----------especially Holy Wood and Mechanical Animals
John D Hale band
Fred Eaglesmith
------------- even and especially if you "don't listen to country" you should try these two
Pink Floyd.
------------Seriously, sit in a room with some art stuff and just listen to floyd for hours. days.
Kottonmouth Kings
Kingspade
Flobots
------------ take their album, Fight with Tools, and actually listen to the whole thing all the way through. Then go fight your own war.
Alice in Chains.
------------genius. always. if you don't like them you don't have any appreciation for good music
infected Mushroom
------------- eccentricly exciting and makes you want to do drugs.
                     don't do drugs. unless you really want to
                          but listen to it :)


I've bombarded enough

i love music. i can eat it and see for days. take that as you will.

oh and music? go listen to some random chic playing guitar on the street.

First off, why does anyone have to sponsor Tomorrow? and tomorrow, without a capital "T" might be a bit less stressful without sponsorship anyway.

Werd to your mom. Although you might pass it on to her she needs to quiet down a bit, the neighbors complain sometimes.

Otherwise, my lifestyle is constantly changing because I try your lifestyle on for size. By the way, the last one sucked.
It was a terrible idea but at the same time I could never have realized that without trying it.

I now understand why curiosity killed the kitty.
For Serious, she almost got me too, that bitch.

So this one i hope works, it's much more peaceful and also nicer to my body, soul, and mind.
trade some tea and vegetables for that alcohol and pizza, vitamins for pills and take that inherent dread and exchange it for some time in the sun.
satisfaction guaranteed.

life is literally brighter.
try this and that and imagine drawing and experiences and experiencing the spirituality of those people instead of killing yours slowly with your insatiable desire for instant highs

i wish i could say i'm hitting something for someone but i doubt anyone will read this and
-even if they do-
understand without already having come to these conclusions already, or taking it if they havn't.

The thing is, some people never move beyond the greed, the uppers, the downers, the pills and everything because they don't understand how to leave the
WANT
behind and try to satisfy the need for nothing but happiness.

I realize that my problem was huge. to me. if the persuit of happiness is not a person's main goal in life, what the HELL is wrong with them?
maybe they don't know what they want. If you don't know what you want, it's pretty fucking difficult to pursue it so that you can live in happiness.

Thinking too much does not get you into trouble, it takes you places and inspires you to dig.

Pura Vida!
this phrase is often exchanged in costa rica the same as we say like.... "what's up!" or "what's good!"
it means Pure Life

love it
it's so... refreshing, uplifting, and if you visit costa rica you hear it constantly

for serious.

everything i swore i would "never" do... well the choices we make make us who we are. or what we are which affects who we are.
the one thing i strongly believe in is change, more than failure.
so when i say that as a kid, i swore i would never smoke, drink excessively, become pagan, experiment with my interest in substance use, explore my sexuality with men and women, disown many of the beliefs of my upbringing, or drop out of school, i don't consider going back on those things failure.

to me there has been a lot of growth involved with related experiences, many things learned, and ultimately life experience gained that will help me in the future and that has lifted me to different levels of acknowledgement of my self as well as my spirituality.

Furthermore,what i really meant by saying i would "never" do these things had more to do with not doing things because "everyone's doing it" - i never have been a fan of giving in to peer pressure just to make other people more comfortable with my presence, or to seem like I "fit in"
that's bullshit. people will like me or not based on who i am, not what i am. And if they do judge me on the what and not the who, then fuck them, they're not worth my time.

as much as i have experimented with some things above and pain and other things, i am still regarded as the "more" sober one who doesn't sleep around - not because i have any problem with it, but because it's not my prerogative to constantly do these things. Don't get me wrong. i love my ganja and my uppers, i like a good drink now and then, and there's nothing wrong with making out with some random or sleeping with your friends.

I just prefer interesting conversation and contemplation over these things mostly, although sometimes they contribute to enlightenment. Also by expanding the way your brain sees things by experimenting with substances can be mind opening and extremely spiritual.

Although - i would never suggest to anyone to try these things if they don't want to nor if they haven't considered it or researched these things and how they affect your brain and body. This is my disclaimer and I strongly believe it and live by it.

 

 

Born of wind or of shame

it’s not enough to say we’re the same

you know

                 you know

anonymous names we write them

here

stick it so they don’t have to ask you your story

my story?                                                             it’s not yours

but you could sign your name, too

right?

right.

Spontaneity is much more interesting.
and experimentally mentally maneuvering manufacturing challenge and experience.
right. right? write.


it also requires a certain amount of resonance - no that's the wrong word.
i'
m
looking
for
resiliance
that one. bouncing, bonding, breaking
dealing with adversity and / or change.
not nickels and dimes, mind you.

and that, i have in rather random supply.
so
daily
hourly
i plan. not that i get everything on my planned blocked out hours done, but it's there, on paper,
so i can
say
no
to YOU.
because i have other things i need to do thank you and goodbye.
type things.

but things i don't plan
sign stealing
jumping fences and
road trips
i should though
maybe
but just the arson
for sure

Seriously. I'm a chic but most of the time the only cool thing about it is i have boobs. They're pretty sweet, ask anyone. Everyone likes tits.
On the other hand, you always run into sexist fucks who think women need men to take care of them and a bunch of bullshit, or that women aren't worth as much, they don't work very hard, or their opinions don't matter etc.

As a chic i can indulge my interest in fashion, art, and makeup without being odd. At the same time, my disinterest in dating combined with my habits of chillin with my boys and drinking etc, driving around bumpin that shit and yellin at chics makes people who don't get it uncomfortable. Or they just think I'm a dyke I guess. Not that I really care.


On the flip side, I have never experienced the discomfort of sweaty, itchy balls, and I am thankful for that. Why would I want something dangling from my crotch? And then I have to pick a side when I wear pants... that's just odd.

Although being a guy would be pretty sweet. I mean, I wouldn't have to deal with guys after my ass or guys not listening to me because I have a vagina. Also, as a general rule men are much more prone to build muscle mass and have higher metabolisms. On top of that, they can act like total assholes and it's all good.
I guess it might be tiring for dudes when chics always expect them to do shit for them and open doors and shit, not because it's difficult or anything, but because it's expected. Or something.

Ok just one more thing. Men don't get pregnant. There's the selling point. What the Fuck is up with women having to carry around this parasite-child for 9 mos? who the fuck would want that shit? creeps me the fuck out. Oh and because of this bullshit nature pulled on us, women get paid less because they're more likely to go on leave etc for maternity or quit to be stay at home moms.


I guess the main problem I have with being a chic is the rep that most of my sex propagates about women. Generally, women ARE dumb, ditzy golddiggers  who create drama, bitch about their friends, and have a lot of nothing to talk about- from my experience. They need someone to lean on and hold their hand through every little fucking thing.

But seriously, i take people one at a time, and even though there are some really annoying bitches out there, that's their prerogative.
If I could somehow reflect the dependability and respect that seems to automatically come with being a guy [until they lose that rep through their own mistakes] instead of having to work to build up even the fraction of it that i do have, being a woman, my life would be much, much more satisfying.

Weird story
so i met this girl at planned parenthood probably 5 years ago
she asked to use my makeup
we were both bored so we ended up hanging out
downtown
for about 10 hours
Her name was Jessica, but for some reason i decided to call her Star
i have a picture
it's super odd
we never saw each other again.

i figured at first a nonexistence and rest.
it sounds nice.
because my hell is very well your heaven

let's see. 2.18.2009 wednesday.

i ended up in the ER drinking charcoal with an iv jammed in my arm and my roommate and neighbors in the waiting room till about 5 AM, at which point i passed out and they went home. I woke up 7 hours later to find my parents had driven 300 miles to be by my side in the middle of the night after my mom had had chemotherapy only 20 hours prior.

consequences?
suicide watch sucks. i no longer have an eyebrow piercing

my friends are either afraid for me or try to make everything seem normal and fine, either way it's awkward and it still hurts.
especially when they're rude about it.
"s____ you failed! like that time you tried to kill yourself!"
thanks and go fuck your mom

medical costs plus therapy and therapy costs.

life still sucks but i don't want to die. right now anyway.
or i just don't have the balls to go through with it.
and if you agree with that i don't give a shit if you get fucked in the ass with a broomstick while somebody shoves a pistol in your mouth and holds it there while you vomit, and only fires when you start to bleed from the chafing, but after they tie you up and make you watch while they peel the skin off of your daughter. or brother.
slowly.
no.
i'm not angry. or violent.

i'm just more confused about where to go than before.
school seems to be the best option.

further consequences?
i'm actually getting help/counseling which i desperately do need.
not the best way to go about it though i suppose.

Oh. And i ended up chilling with the parents for a good 3 months... and will be returning to real life in a matter of weeks.

Not to say that life is amazing and charmed. or anything like that.
the future is unstable.

I guess knowing that there are people who care about me, and people who I care about, and that we all care about other people is the essence of hope.

The future of the world? Depends on who survives - those who embrace love or those who spew hate.

Hope is when life is funny, and you can laugh at it. Especially when things are not good.

And yes, it is hard to maintain sometimes.

my inspiration?
My friends, when they are going through hell, and yet still find something simple, like a cloud, and see its beauty.

*nota* mi gramatica es terrible, no he estudiado ni escrito ni hablado en espanol por varios meses.

He decidido que no es que quiero estar sola, porque me encanta estar con gente quienes me caen bien. No me gusta ser "solita" por demasiado tiempo. Solo es que, me gusta pertenecerme a mi. NO a ninguna otra persona. Y cuando ellos quieren decir que soy suyo, algo me enoja, me hace incomodo. Solo puedo hacerlo por dos o tres meses. Y despues de eso, o mas despues de que creo que los conozco bien, necesito ir. Necesito dejarles. Sino, convierto en una extrana chica quien no posee el salud mental. Convierto en una perra loca. Y eso no es bueno para mi, ni para mi novio u novia, ni para nadiemas quien me conoce. Cuando esto pasa, soy como un animal del bosque encerrado en un cuartito pequeno sin ventanas. Me quita el aliento.  


Y durante este verano, quiero estar sola. Este.... no quiero novio ni novia, no quiero nada sin amigos. y es todo. Bueno, y un trabajo, pero eso es otra cosa.
Solo necesito mis amigos. Nadie mas. estoy contenta.

yeah?
yeah.
everything. really. why do you want to know?
Love.
soccer
school
being a daughter. a good one anyway. think i'm a failure on that one.
having class
going to class, for that matter.
sewing. i'm pretty terrible.
making sense. i've stopped trying.
sleeping is even difficult. i like coffee.
its 3:36 am.

A perfect world.
what an indecent suggestion.
perhaps.
perfection.
what is perfection?
without war there is no concept of peace.
some may argue it, anyhow.

i don't know.
if you can't feel pain, can you appreciate love?

the thing is, the world is the way it is.
Wishing for world peace won't change that.
People can change things, perhaps.
but.

Would you rather not feel sadness?

logically.........
a perfect world would have no pollution
no evil
plenty of resources
kindness.

obviously. everyone would believe it so.
at least, those with general goodwill.

perfection.
i just want to make them smile.

melancholy cocktail. and idiocy in a jar

love is? Is it?

I love my dogs. They're sweet, they lick my tears when i'm crying. They're annoying as hell, but it's ok. They're warm.

I love my friends X, B, Kyle, Dragon, Dom, Elly, Jessica, Erin, Meghan, Erica, Shannon....................
They're beautiful in truth.

I love coffee.

I love everyone I meet. Love to me is caring about someone or something. I care deeply about people who I have had even the smallest connection with.

I love my family in that "we don't really get along but in some way we share the same blood, so we are what we are. Love, Me" kind of way.

I love writing things so i can read them.

I love rainy, stormy, windy days with grey clouds and muddy shoes. I like how alive you feel when the wind picks your hair up and fills your lungs with painfully cold air.

I love good ideas.

I love bad ideas.

I love intellectual conversations while laying on your back staring at the stars, rocks digging into your shoulder blades.

I love memories, good or bad, that take you back to a certain place in your life.

I love hugs.

I love sleeping in a group of really good friends, where everyone trusts each other entirely and keeps each other warm.

I love the ocean, the vast  bodies of water. Beautiful.

I love stories and how beer brings them out of people.

I love music of all genres, expression through sound.

I love many things and many people.

I love the feeling of being loved by others.

and you're my inspiration, so thank you for the pain
it's all the same when it rains, but i like it anyway
beauty, i find elsewhere
lonely, it finds me somewhere
if we never again do tell,
you're still the meaning behind the spell

it's hitting me harder and harder fuck i hate this

more later?

machetes.

"society: where you go when you lose your voice"

whatever? whatever, whenever. i don't know, but i'd like to.

can i concentrate? no? well fuck...

it's the drapery, it's everything around me,
i'd like to tear the carpet out and see what's beneath it,
i'd like to tear the walls down but i can't seem to bear it,
i'd like to take you out, but then i'd have to deal with it,
i'd like to make a sound but then someone might hear it

um. listen to atmosphere. seriously, if this is the only thing you take. from me.